A tiny reminder

I know that every mom gets excited and sentimental about finally feeling their baby move during pregnancy – and for good reason!

Feeling this tiny baby (almost a whole pound!) move – finally, (thanks, anterior placenta) is such a sweet reminder. It is a reminder of the hope that we have for the future, how in an instant God can unexpectedly change our lives forever, and how this world is so much bigger than us. How OUT of control we are, and a reminder that He is able – He is the fulfillment of every longing of man. A perfectly formed tiny human with four heart chambers, 10 toes, and her very own heartbeat. Likely going to be an image of her father or myself, and even more importantly, made in the image of the same sustainer of life that I am. How amazing.

Feeling her move is reminding me how strong and resilient she already is – and yet how much she will depend on her Dad and I for once she is here. It is reminding me of the responsibility I have to think about the decisions we have to make for her – when will we baptize her, where/when/should she go to daycare, how long will I stay home with her before returning from maternity leave, what kind of atmosphere do we want to bring her up in?

The constant reminder of her presence and my connection with her is further reminding me of how undeserving I feel to be her mother. Yet in the same moment, reminding me of how quickly my insecurities are laid to rest by a Father who sees me as fit and deserving to be a mother, even at my weakest. (And by a husband who tells me I’m beautiful, even through every pound gained and broken capillary in my face from nights spent with my face over a toilet bowl.)

 

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An attitude of thankfulness

How many times a week do you say, “sorry”?

Ladies  (and some men) we are guilty of over apologizing.

“Sorry, I’ve never done this before.”

“Sorry that I didn’t have time to help you.”

“Sorry, I forgot you already told me that.”

The list goes on and on. At home, at work, even in the grocery store – we over apologize.

I also think we under thank.

What would happen if you replaced half of the apologies in your life with showing gratitude?

Thank someone for helping you understand, thank them for their time, thank them for letting you by in the aisle at the store- all instead of apologizing.

Recently, I adopted a new goal, though I haven’t decided if it is actually a goal or just the radiating power of the fierce and strong willed little girl I’m growing in my belly. I decided I am not going through the motions anymore – I am taking charge of my emotions and what I need help with and what I do not need or want help with. With this, a state of vulnerability and openness comes – and it’s meant a lot of apologizing on my part. Apologizing for needing help, not having the answer, or not having the time.

My new goal – to make an effort to replace my “sorry” with “thank you” at least once a day. Apologies have their place, but we can’t, and should not, apologize for everything.

In the month of November, thank your coworker for explaining something for you instead of apologizing for needing help. Thank your friend for planning an event you didn’t have time for instead of apologizing for being busy. Thank the man that holds the door for you and your kid who walks slower than grass grows. You don’t need to be sorry all the time. This “thank you” attitude promotes a spirit of thankfulness – and the people around you will be encouraged by this positivity.

“I’ve been replacing my I’m sorry”s with “thank you”s…it’s not only shifted the way I think and feel about myself, but also improved my relationships with others who now get to receive my gratitude instead of my negativity.” – Vijara

I wish I could.

I wish I could tell the 8 year old girl who felt left out as the oldest sibling that her mother would one day be her best friend.

I wish I could tell the 10 year old who got made fun of for her shoes that she would look like a princess on her wedding day.

I wish I could tell the 12 year old girl that felt out of place at church that she’d someday be an assistant director at a church.

I wish I could tell the 14 year old seemingly incompetent babysitter that she’d someday teach classes to new parents how to care for their newborns and help fragile NICU babies during their earliest days.

I wish I could tell the 16 year old who was so viciously bullied and abused that she had to leave public school that she would one day heal and find more happiness than she could ever imagine.

I wish I could tell the 18 year old who failed her first college English class that she would someday write an article for a prestigious medical institute.

I wish I could tell the 20 year old with the broken, battered heart  how close she was to finding the love of her life.

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The trials we face only get bigger as we get older. I’m looking at the trials I face today, while they are so much bigger than some of the ones I’ve faced in the past, I know the triumphs will be even greater, too.

My prayer is that you, too, might find peace in reflection, knowing great victories are to come.

To the woman grieving this mother’s day

To any woman who turns down the radio when talk about mother’s day begins,

To any woman who feels guilty for grieving this day,

To any woman constantly aware of an absence,

To any woman whose heart is longing,

To any woman hopeful that this month will be her month,

To any woman constantly in prayer,

To any woman angry at God,

To any woman whose baby felt no fear and knew no pain,

To any woman who loves another child like her own,

To any woman who is saving every last penny for a single shot at conception,

To any woman who feels alone in her suffering,

To any woman whose baby had a heartbeat,

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I see you. I see your perseverance and I feel your pain. I see your unending love. The perseverance and love of a mother.

This day is also for you.

Life can be beautiful, but it can also be really cruel. This is heavy – but these aching hearts should not be forgotten this Mother’s Day.

On Mother’s Day, I can think of no one more deserving than a Mother who had to give one back.”  Erma Bombeck

love,

cheyenne

A year’s difference

imageI remember the night of September 19, 2015 like it was yesterday. My heart was shattered, torn, stomped on, and left alone in a hotel room hours from where I lived. I had put all I had into something that was giving me nothing. That was the worst pain I have ever felt. I remember crying to my best friend. I remember crying to my mom. I remember the constant pain I felt for the week that followed, the kind of pain that shoots up your left arm.

Today, a year later, I’m finishing a road trip across the country with the most incredible man. A man that loves me and shows me he loves me. A man that is perfect for me; someone that is literally everything I have spent my life praying and looking for – in all the wrong places. I would pray that God would change the different “men” I dated into my dream man. Little did I know, God had everything I wanted, needed, and a little bit extra, wrapped up in a man that was halfway across the world at the time. Jesus has transformed my life in so many ways this year, and Zachary is one of the biggest and most unexpected ways.

But, kiddos, it’s not all about finding Prince Charming – no matter how sweet it may be. I started a business, finished a college degree, found passions, dropped negativity, and grew as a strong and independent woman that don’t need no man. I learned to embrace intelligence. I learned to embrace the fact that I am an introvert instead of being ashamed and forcing myself to hide it. That was one of the best things I did for my relationships and my mental health.

I went places alone that I never would have gone alone before. I learned how to get my car fixed in the shop without getting taken advantage of. I worked with doctors. I delivered a baby. (seriously) I learned how to stand up for myself. I moved furniture alone. I painted rooms alone. I traveled by myself. And I met an amazing man that loves that I can hold my own when I need to.

God can use a year to change a lot.

I love you, little one.

JJ and I are coming up on our two year “nanny-versary.” This morning was full of laughter and I’m reflecting on just how thankful, full of love, and blessed I am to be a part of this boy’s life. I know our time together is limited and before long he will be entering the preschool world and I will be moving on to a new season. I hope that even as he grows and changes, that he never forgets the love that his nanny had for him when he was little. 

JJ, thank you for showing me a love that I never knew existed. Thank you for teaching me what no textbooks or seminars can. Thank you for loving me back. 

Jose and Christine, thank you for letting me love your boy and be a part of your family. ❤️


“I love you as the stars love you, constant and bright above you, giving you joy and peace and wonder. I love you as the stars love you, forever, and ever, and always.”

I Love You, Little One